The D.S. Show/September 7, 2011

Me: Today on The D.S. Show we have a very special guest for you. He's a man who stood up to the establishment. He's a man who stuck his neck out to say the things everyone else believed and couldn't say. He's a man who refused to beg for his career as a superstar. You all know him so well that I don't even need to say his name! Let's hear for this amazing person! (Audience cheers. Enter a gypsy lady with a crystal ball. She puts the crystal ball on my desk.) Me: Sir, I know you had a tough climb to the top, but how do you feel about it now? Gypsy: He says he feels very peaceful about it. He says he can see everything clearly, as long as they use a squirt of Windox every once in a while. Me: That's great. And what do you like the most about your new life as a star? Gypsy: He says 'not having to shave.' Me: I see. One final question before we go to commercial. I know that you wanted people to donate to charity. Tell us now what your favourite charity is so that we can all comply. Gypsy: He says to leave your newborn infants on the doorstep in a basket with all your cash the next time a caravan passes through your town. ---------------------------------------- (Commercial for Windox. A supermarket.) Sally: Hey, Brad! Say, that's a mighty big bottle of Windox you have in your shopping cart. You must have some pretty dirty picture windows at home! Brad: I sure do, Sally, but that's not all I use my Windox for. Sally: No? Brad: No, I use it for all my cleaning needs. Sally: Like what? Brad: Like those tough underwear stains. Just pour some Windox on there and let it sit for an hour and they change in colour from yellow to a nice, peaceful blue. Sally: Wow! What else can you use Windox for? Brad: Well, don't bother buying toothpaste anymore. Just dip your toothbrush in Windox and you'll get your teeth sparkling clean. And it makes a fine mouthwash, too! Tastes just like Glisterine! (Brad smiles, showing off his bright white teeth.) Sally: But you don't even have any food in that cart, Brad. Brad: Who needs food when you have Windox? Just dissolve four or five vitamin pills in a glass of Windox and drink it down. Keeps you nourished and gets your intestines sparkling clean. Sally: Gee, I'm going to have to stop buying anything else and spend all my money on Windox. Brad: That's where the smart money goes. Announcer: Windox. What else do you need? -------------------------------------------- Me: And we're back. My next guest has been causing a sensation all over town since he got here from England - especially with the young ladies. Let's all hear it for John Merrick V! (Girls scream frantically. One girl breaks through security and tries to rip off Merrick's clothes. A guard drags her offstage. Merrick shakes my hand and takes his place in the guest chair. I sit at my desk.) Me: Wow! That was some enthusiastic reception you just got there. What's it like to be a teen heartthrob? Merrick: I don't quite understand it. They didn't notice me at all when I worked as a mad scientist's slave. Me: Yes, but you're a star now. And as an artist I don't mind telling you that you have a very distinctive look. Any advice to young men out there trying to emulate your image? Merrick: Short of cosmetic surgery, I'd advise them not to throw out their Hallowe'en masks. Me: Tell us about your new movie coming out. Merrick: Gladly. It's about a man who works in a factory, compounding hazardous chemicals to make beauty products. Me: Interesting. How did you land that role? Merrick: They said I wouldn't need makeup. Me: Of course. Now everyone has heard about your famous great great grandfather, the Elephant Man, but few until now knew that he fathered a child with that actress he was seeing. How do you explain this success the men in your family have had with women? Merrick: Simple really. We're as handsome as the Devil. And while you might not know it to look at us, our reproductive organs are as sound as our minds. Me: Why do you think your famous ancestor chose to end his life at the peak of his popularity? Merrick: Well, I'm given to understand that he was a most sensitive man, and he didn't like the way everyone in London kept making fun of his extremely long nose. Me: The poor fellow! Merrick: Yes, quite. Me: Time once again for a word from our wonderful sponsors, but when we return I'll be performing my new song with John Merrick V accompanying me on the organ grinder, so stay tuned!
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© 2012. Windox commercial: © 2007. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.